I was surprised to look back at my posts, to realise how long it had been since I had posted any blog or comments. In other ways I’m not surprise!
Although I had been trying other things, simple little projects experimenting with video storytelling, I find myself increasingly struggling to engage with my photography.
No longer moving myself to spend time to go out and take an image, any image for no reason at all but just because I want to. That joy of making and of capturing a fleeting moment, was the motivation and source. With it an expectation of seeing a click worthy occurrence driving me to make an effort.
Yet now I feel like I have falling out of love or even worse have been left, abandoned by photography.
So a few weeks back I planned a solo trip to reengage, to experiment and to move again to that place that made me happy, gave me joy and draw me away from the day to day, to a restorative place. Yet for the majority of the time, I was basically confined to me tent. Not well and not eating (except at breakfast). And I felt defeated yet again.
So what do I do?
How do I rekindle the flame?
Or is it that the time has come to think of this being the end?
I could still get some helpful funds by selling my gear. There are so many jobs to get done around the place. Time better spent sorting out all the other things that drain life from you each day.
The frustrating thing in having not taken an image for a month. Comes the forgetting some of the basics, muscle memory that was there instinctively reaching for the settings, all faded from lack of practice.
Then I find myself not angry at those who get out there and then share the beautiful work. Not envious (well maybe a little) that they seem to have time or jobs that let them do what they enjoy. Just saddened that my dreams of what could be my journey also, seem distant, lost and no more. Replaced by the pile of things that must be done that like tar in a tar pit, holds, clings to me. Dragging on me, my energy and my life.
I am left feeling like a slave to an impossible workload, trapped in a routine of having to do and be according to the timetable of others. Not able to wait and shoot a sunset, not able to linger in the morning for a sunrise to surprise. All because other things of importance occur, and I must get through traffic to get to an office and a world that is only for itself and not giving of rewards.
Then messages from the photography world that has come of the technology that can easily replicate or create anything better than I can. This makes me feel even more defeated.
Yet I find myself with that one last thought of what?
What if I keep trying? What if in identifying the challenges I work out some sort of approach or compromise with myself? Reward myself when I get up and take an action. Not defeat myself when I don’t. Just again set the direction by let the compass rest and slowly send me on the journey I want to be on.
And one thought lingers and that is why will I?
Because now comes the memory of purpose. That I deeply, deeply took photographs so that they could be for others to enjoy. That they give something to others to lift them, encourage them, and bring a world they might not see into reality. To also tell the story of the world that otherwise would not get told. Nothing artificial can do that in truth, no time will happen where a story is told without a creator to create uniquely as an individual in that moment, see something real happen, capture it as an image, before it’s gone and not repeated.
And so here I am again realising with all that, that I am just to take that one foot and place it in front of the other, and ask you to wish me luck, dream of strength for me and courage to fall and stand back up. As I will be doing the same for you.
(Words and Images, Copyright Kevin Palmer 2023)